Okay I know I've been neglecting my blog for some time a very long time. And been MIA in the online world and everything (something that I moaned to gridchan a while ago) and I am so. so. sorry. Real life and all that crap finally caught up to me a few months back and I can't even bother to blog because now I have Twitter, I find that I don't really have anything to blog about as I can tweet on the fly. Unlike blog. Which I need to have time to sit down and arrange my thought process and finally, really have something to blog about, y'know? Welp, now I guess I've finally accumulated enough in my head so I can unload everything here...

Blargh.

First things first.

I really can't stand the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get away from him. Yes HIMMMM. THAT GUY. STOP PLAGUING MY THOUGHTS. It's like seeing yummy, delicious chocolate cake which I. Will. Never. OBTAIN. Gah. And it's not helping that he's in the same ward as my friends for this time's attachment at NUH and I'm like wondering why am I not in the same ward or even the same hospital? And it's not good cuz I know I'm not supposed to mix work and relationship together (as what a good senior of mine once told me) but it's just so ARGH. Y'know. The feeling of wanting to rid myself of sights and thoughts of him but at the same time not WANTING to and balslhrshghqwauhghhadgjhl D: D: And it's like I'm going around in fucking CIRCLES. Like, I'm repeating myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Not good, I repeat not fucking good for health, this is. Hurghhhhh.

And then there's my fucking literature review which doesn't even mean ACTUAL LITERATURE but instead, researching fucking nursing articles about infection control which is so BLOODY hard and I can't even find a piece that actually TELLS me how nurses practice infection control so I can even fucking compare methods and blargh. I KNEW I should've stuck with the topic effect of music on relieving pain and allaying anxiety but noooo I had to be a pushover and went on to fucking infection control.

Then it's like everything's piling up on me and I have 3 freakin' tests tomorrow i.e. Pharmaco, Listening & Speaking in Jap and NSL PRACTICAL TEST. Practical tests are no joke, fuck it. You think that when you're in secondary school and you're all "Gah, I wish I was in uni/poly already so I can have more fucking freedom" but once you're actually in uni/poly, it's a whole new story, especially when it comes to PRACTICAL TESTS. What I would give just to go back to Lodge and have the teachers all tell me what to do at every step again.

And I don't want people giving me shit about how life is supposed to be like this and how I'm supposed to learn and grow up and all that crap. I know okay. However, I'm really stressed right now and you're not supposed to add stress to ALREADY stressed people kthnxbai. And sorry, but I don't really appreciate the fact that some people (who seriously, aren't THAT pressured at all but try to act all "Ohhh, I understand I'm going through the same thing" but, HELLO? YOU aren't in Health Sciences. YOU don't know what it's like to be a student nurse. Don't even TRY. It's not what you think it is. I'm telling you this so you don't have to waste resources trying to sound fucking emphatizing because I. Don't. Give. A. Shit.) I know it's a 'trying to be kind but ending up sounding like a mothafucking hypocrite' thing so please, stave off. I appreciate it but seriously. Health Sciences students from a different world altogether. I know, because I know. Try being in my shoes.

No wait, on second thoughts, don't.

Oh, and if you think this rant is far from over, it is not.

Can you believe it, I'm even stressed about going back to Kuching? It means having to balance my time between my old friends from Brisbane and old friends from school. And I, frankly speaking, am very much more tempted to camp out at home. The hermit disease strikes again, blargh. Because I'm going to have to go through 2 weeks of some sort of attachment hell before going back and seriously, I'm going to be fucking exhausted. Like, right after common test is fucking ATTACHMENT. What kind of a shit schedule do I have? And it's not even with the guy I lo--like. I give up. Almost everything that I think of will come back to him. Why do I even care anymore? Why do I even give a damn anymore? I wish he were gay. Then it won't be so painful.

2 weeks is seriously not enough for a recovering holiday. I'm sorry in advance if I turn down offers to spend time with some of you guys because I'm going to be nursing my very battered body at home, curled up in a blanket in my freezing cold room. I don't mean to be a spoilsport because really, test week, crazed-up bonding camp and attachment right after is no joke.

I hope someone right now is going through the same thing as I am, so I'd feel like shit for typing out this self-centered post and not thinking that at least there's someone to share the burden with me.

Not.

Mwahahahahahahaha.

I know I'm so totally fucking evil right now but I don't give a damn. Life is so fucked up for me right now that I should so totally be a baby and bawl about it.

Edit: And I just found out that all my lovely lovely music from my 3rd "EVEN MORE MUSIC OF LOVE" folder had not been transferred into my HD. And all my TOKIO and Arashi songs were inside. *sigh* I'm so sorry Belle, for being such a careless whack ): So right now, I'm going to go re-DL all my TOKIO and Arashi songs. Blargh. I hate you, real life.

Labels: do not wants, education's trap, epic fail, lamentos